To Have and to Hold

A few days ago (October 2020), we were chit chatting in our “Zoom Office” and my colleague told us about the first COVID Secure wedding they had in their Church. Everyone had to be socially distanced by at least two metres. Attendance was strictly by confirmation and the guest list was initially thirty people long. As the UK guidelines changed, it reduced to fifteen. On the wedding day, many surprises popped up as unconfirmed guests decided to try their luck. Unfortunately, there was nothing anyone could do. They had to be turned away. Rules were rules! One colleague commended the couple for their leap of faith by going ahead with their wedding. Another lamented the loss of wedding gifts with a crowd of just fifteen. We talked about the pros and cons of waiting for corona to be eradicated.

Bringing in a different angle, someone informed us about another couple who had planned their wedding before the COVID restrictions and had simply decided to postpone it until things got better. In the period of waiting, an ex-girlfriend showed up to congratulate the young man. Long and short of the story, ex-girlfriend became pregnant and the wedding had to be called off completely. A Zoom debate ensued and people wanted to know who was to blame in this instance? Should they have simply tied the knot while they had the chance? Who should the man marry; Miss “Bride to Be” or Miss Pregnant Ex? Should Miss “Bride to Be” be cutting her losses or counting her blessings? What about the love they once shared? How do they handle the heartbreak? We eventually had to abandon the discussion to resume work for the day.

The discourse however never left me. I wondered about the young lady who had been literally jilted at the altar. At least, a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage they say. Should she accept him if he ever came back to say he was sorry? Could she be termed lucky for finding out the type of person he was? Can love be automatically switched on and off? 

It’s a very difficult question to answer and a lot of things would have to be considered first. Some ladies have said they could never take him back no matter how much he apologised or begged. I don’t know if I’m just a big softie at heart but I would beg to differ. I wonder if he ever showed any “straying tendencies” while they were dating. What kind of relationship did they have? What values did they share? Those are the things to consider before taking a final decision. I am a Christian and if I were in their shoes, my decisions would be guided by my beliefs. Only a person who truly understands what love is can forgive and carry on.

I remember years ago while I was still in my twenties and a preacher said “how can you love when you don’t know what love is?” To be honest, I didn’t have a clue about what he was talking about. He further expounded,  “You can’t truly love when you don’t know who Love is” (meaning Jesus). In  my mind I thought, “what an effrontery! How could he conclude that Jesus was love. What did Jesus have to do with love? Jesus is Church, long sermons, often times boring. He wouldn’t know the first thing about love if it was staring Him in the face.” How mistaken I was.

The real test of love is when things are falling apart. It is easy to love when people are nice, polite, honest, likeable, faithful etc. The test is when we are faced with the ugly and the unloveables. It’s in those times that what the Preacher said would make sense. The Bible describes Jesus as the personification of Love. It also breaks down the attributes of love as seen below.  

4.Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. 

5.Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honour. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. 

6.Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. 

7.Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.

Love isn’t cheap. On the contrary, it is costly. It will cost everything a man possesses to truly love. It demands our patience, our self control, our resources, our humility, our giving in for peace sake. Love is something we do and not something we say. It is also a subject greatly misunderstood and easily confused with lust.

Little wonder so many marriages tend to fail these days. A lot of people are not able to pay the price of love especially when there is the option of a divorce. Our  pride is the greatest barrier to love. No one wants to feel taken for granted or cheated. No one likes feeling disrespected in a relationship, treated like rubbish or spoken to in a condescending manner.  Our egos get injured and we seek revenge. The natural instinct in man is generally to be selfish. Even in our choice for marriage, we would normally have a mental list of what we’d expect the other person to have. It is usually about what we can get from the other, eg their looks, charisma, financial strength, etc etc. I’m not saying that having a list is wrong. What is most important is having a list for yourself as well, being mentally prepared for the demands of love and not just the benefits.

I have met quite a few people who complain about the challenges of marriage. They say there is no handbook to guide us through, seemingly after being thrown into the deep end without a float. Is our only hope having to learn on the job?  Not quite! The Author of marriage actually wrote a handbook for it. It’s a handbook very few care to consult, preferring to use their natural intelligence. How can we hope to succeed in marriage when our examples are from Hollywood?  In my opinion there are two non-negotiables from the Bible that form the bedrock of marriage. The first is the instruction given to men to love their wives and the second, for wives to submit to their husbands. Let me attempt to explain a little.

I am proudly African, always have been and forever will be. I don’t know about other cultures but every married African man loves respect, especially from his wife. I have discovered that once a woman can make her man feel like the king of the palace, she will probably have him eating out of her hands. Once he can feel appreciated, honoured, and respected, there is nothing he wouldn’t do for that woman. No man wants a mouthy, stubborn wife. No man wants a battle every single time he presents a suggestion or an idea to his wife. He wants to be given a chance to lead, provide and protect his home. It’s so important to a man to accomplish these. I didn’t even realise that men were naturally wired that way until much later in my marriage. I couldn't understand why my husband was always so difficult, why it was WW3 just to get him to agree with me. It was because I was locking horns with him at all times. Unknowingly I was always challenging his position as the Head of the family which in turn made him feel small and insignificant. The end result was that he would assert himself and guess who got the brunt. Today, thankfully with greater wisdom, I’m the neck that turns the head quite easily (shhhhh).

So, is the wife supposed to be a “yes man” bowing and scraping before the almighty husband? Absolutely not. Can she not say anything? Can she have an opinion? Can she live? Yes, yes and yes. Marriage would be so beautiful if everyone would just stay in their lane and do the right thing. Men, love your wives and remember that love is first of all a verb, not an emotion. Husbands make her feel special. Appreciate her, compliment her, listen to her, help her and lead her by example. Be a man of honour and of your words. Confide in her and plan with her.

The greater onus is on the man to do more because he is the head of the family. The Bible says “we love Him because He first loved us.” This is referring to the relationship between the Church and Jesus. We had no capacity to love Him until he first reached out to us in love. He actually loved us enough to lay His life down for us (Its all in the Bible, John 3:16). This is what husbands are called to do. To love the wife enough to lay down everything for her. She in turn showers him with all the “submission” he needs to carry on.

Am I suggesting that every marriage would always run smoothly? Nope. Will it be heaven on earth everyday? Not likely. Will all the disagreements and bickering stop? I wish!!! All I’m saying is  that committing to the Manual has never failed. The Author of marriage is the  Helper of marriage. He is ever available to heal and to mend the broken hearted. All you need is to call upon Him. His line is open 24/7.

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