Of Apples and Bananas

I was in a panic a few days ago because I still hadn’t found anything suitable to write on my blog. Almost in a split second, I got an idea. It was unfolding in my presence, a rainy Saturday afternoon on a road trip with my husband.

The motorway was unusually busy and as we were approaching a speed camera, we noticed a black BMW tailgating us which really upset my husband, the driver. “This guy wants me to get a speeding ticket, I refuse to be intimidated into driving faster”, he said with much irritation in his voice. “No, he doesn’t. He just wants to overtake you,” I responded. He didn't agree with me. “Trust me, I know these types. They deliberately want to push you into getting a ticket”. I was adamant in my defence of the poor BMW driver. I just couldn’t fathom the thought of  someone deliberately trying to make another get a speeding ticket. What would be their gain? It got me thinking about my easy going, happy go lucky nature versus my husbands. It was something I had never appreciated, always wishing I was hard as nails, driven, type A, and a super achiever. Its’ been a long journey trying to accept myself and to love me for who I am. I think it’s the same for most people. We don’t easily see the good within us, believing that the grass is lot greener on the other side.

Psychologists often say that our fears and insecurities can be traced to events in our early lives. I can easily say that mine was as a of result of a friend who lived with us for a few years between the ages of six and nine. Those were happy days as we played at home, on the grounds of Hilltop House in Jos. Unfortunately, those were also years when I suffered a lot of scarring without knowing. In my mind, I felt Betsy was prettier than me, taller than me, smarter than me, lighter skinned than me, had longer hair than me and was therefore better than me. Please dont’t ask me how I ever arrived at those extreme conclusions.

Betsy had a full head of soft silky hair, effortless to run a comb through. It was long enough to make into a ponytail. She got to wear all the ribbons and hair clips. I on the other hand had real short kinky African hair. It was painful to comb and never grew beyond a certain length. Forget the hair ribbons! On Saturdays, the “Mai kiso” (hair braider) came to make our hair for the new school week. I was her nemesis. I would squirm and cry because of the pain while Betsy sat through like an angel. The result was apparent. She always received compliments for her beautiful hair dos to my hearing. My little brain kept misinterpreting the message. All I “heard” was, Hennang you are not beautiful enough.

We were in the same school and in the same class. Betsy was exceptionally smart and would usually come first. No matter how hard I tried, I could never top the class. On a good day, I would be either 4th or 5th.

I remember when our school was invited to the Jos TV Station to present a Children’s programme. Betsy was chosen to participate and I wasn’t. I cried so hard that my mum took me along when she went to drop Betsy off. I wore my favourite red dress with a white collar. I still remember the presenter being confused because they had one extra child. No one said a word.

All those experiences made me feel I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough to come first, I wasn’t good enough to be on TV, wasn’t good enough to have ribbons in my hair. Even when my mums’ friends visited, they would sometimes ask, “Mrs Mathew, which one is your daughter? The darker one or the lighter” She would say, the darker one. Surely being light skinned was the same as being pretty.

           Many years later in secondary school, things hadn’t changed much. I felt like an ugly duckling because I believed my lips were too thick. At a point, I would suck them in to make them look slimmer which made me look disfigured. That’s what happens when we believe a lie. It wasn’t until my mid- thirties was I able to trace the root of all my insecurities.

I have a lot to thank my husband for because he has helped me blossom. The early years of marriage were challenging because he was a type A personality. I could never hope to win an argument with him so I had to devise my own means of dealing with him. I would sit it out without saying a word to him until he ran out of steam. On the other hand, I discovered that I had the solutions to the dilemmas he was always facing. In my simplicity, I could offer solutions to his problems. I realised that I was able to offer an alternative view point that he couldn’t see. I didn’t even need to think about it, my views were always polar opposite to his and always seemed to make sense. That was the beginning of the regaining of some of my self-worth. We must learn to silence the voice that keeps on telling us we are not good enough. I came across this beautiful poem below. I don’t know who wrote the poem but it captures an important essence of our human struggle.

BEING YOURSELF

You must learn that you cannot be loved by all people

You can be the finest apple in the world

Ripe, juicy, sweet, succulent and offer yourself to all

But you must remember there will always be people who don’t like apples

You must understand that if you’re the world’s finest apple,

And someone you love doesn’t like apples,

You have the choice of becoming a banana

But you must be warned that if you choose to become a banana

You would be a second-rate banana

But you can always be the finest apple

You must realise that if you become a second-rate banana

There will always be people who don’t like bananas

Furthermore, you can spend your life trying to become the best banana

Which is impossible if you are an apple

If you can try again

Be the finest apple

The lack of self-esteem pushes people to do many foolish things in wanting to prove themselves. It can make a husband an overbearing bully because of a need to feel respected. It can make a boss paranoid if they feel intimidated by the success of colleagues.  A secure person will always sit back and let others take the shine when necessary. A secure person can be an apple even in the midst of bananas.  The funny twist is that banana lovers will always respect a fine apple, even if grudgingly.    

In conclusion, I would challenge everyone to be the best version of who they are; whether an apple or a banana. You are special, you are different, you are you. There is no one else that can be you except you. You bring something unique to the table. There is a special assignment that only you can perform on earth. You are in a race and you must stay in your lane. Your skills, temperament and persona are perfectly suited for the things you were created to do. I have finally accepted that I can never be a neuro physicist or a medical doctor. I can’t even be the CEO of a multi-million dollar company. I just don’t have the capacity.  I can however be a wonderful mother and wife. I am a good and dependable friend. I can bring kindness and healing to the hurting.

Don’t try to be someone else. Concentrate on being the best version of yourself. Make yourself indispensable. It will take hard work, but it is possible. If you can, always play to your strengths. Just because someone else is better than you doesn’t mean you are worthless.  Celebrate others, celebrate your milestones. I believe in the power of prayer. Submit your weaknesses to God and ask Him to help you. Speak positively to yourself and about yourself. There is power in words. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you can do it and then knuckle down and put in the hard work. Reject the false narrative you have always believed. Your lips might be thick and your hair kinky, but you are still beautiful. You are perfect just the way you are and someone out there will love all of you.  Study hard, practice hard and pick yourself up when you fall. Remember to stay the course and I’ll see you at the finish line.

Thank you so much for reading my blog. I would really love to know what you think about this one. Do you have any similar stories to tell? leave a comment and please share, share, share.

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