Love Online 2

This blog is a sequel to Part 1, make sure you read that first.

About two years after her Online Dating fiasco, Lily decided to give it one more try. I curiously asked what made her want to try it again. “Was it the loneliness in a strange land?” She said it wasn’t. Before her arrival, she had fully prepared herself mentally for a lonely life. However, she had made some good friends in her class that we’re helping her cope. Surprisingly, on her birthday, two separate people had wanted to throw parties on her behalf. She had to emphatically decline, preferring to spend a quiet evening in her room.

One of her motivations for trying again was when two of her besties found meaningful relationships online. One happened after three years and the second, in under one year. Lily was expertly advised to go on an app called Hinge. I had to suppress a smile when she mentioned the name. The experience is enough to make anyone completely unhinged. She gave herself a deadline of one month and went in with zero expectations.

As was her nature, she made up her mind to be her true self. Most of the ladies online looked so much younger, well made up and stylishly dressed. She decided not to allow that to bother her. She took her time to write an in-depth profile about herself and what she was looking for . Of course, not that she expected them to read it! She explained that she was a Christian, Straight, loved reading and writing, and enjoyed being by the lake. She posted photos that would portray her person. The first one being an image of her sitting on the grass reading a book. The next was a selfie and the last one was in a lush green field, arms wide open seemingly without a care in the world.

This time, the response she got was a lot better. Her swipes talked about books and other interesting subjects, not just about her chocolate skin. Usually, the conversation would start out normally until they’d say something obnoxious. Lily would immediately un-match them. One experience that stood out for her was with a certain Dutch man called “Tommy”. He had long greasy hair and from his looks, he seemed like a rock metal enthusiast. Lily was a little sceptical but decided not to be too finicky and judgemental. They agreed to meet for a date and she chose her university town. She lived in a village and was not prepared to let anyone know the name. There were just a handful of black people and she’d be a sitting duck. “I didn’t want to make headlines on the news” she laughed. There had been stories of women being stalked and killed by sick men.

The big day arrived, and Lily got a blanket and some cold water for their picnic. She contemplated preparing some sandwiches but remembered his profile. Was he vegetarian or vegan? Not a problem, she didn’t know either and couldn’t risk a catastrophe. They’d have to make do with the cold water. She made her way slowly to the rendezvous and waited for him. In her “old school” mind, she was thinking, “a gentleman would have made the extra effort of getting there before her!” She didn’t have long to wait as his train soon arrived. She had to mask her disappointment when she saw him. His shirt seemed a size too big and was rumpled. There was a little stain on the pocket. It looked like the trousers came out of the wash a few weeks ago and missed the ironing board. He looked unkempt and didn’t smell fresh. Lily groaned in her mind but put on her best smile. They exchanged pleasantries and made their way to the little pond. As they went, Tommy decided to walk behind her acting all goofy. She wished the ground would open up and swallow her. She hoped no one from school was in the park to see them together. He was fast losing the little points he had scored. “Why would he do that?” She fumed. “He doesn’t even know my sense of humour. Does he think he is being funny? This is such a child!” She just knew she was not going to like him.

When they got to the pond, Lily carefully spread the blanket on the grass so they could sit down. “wow, thanks Lily. I didn’t think of that.” Tommy instantly laid down, spreading himself in the centre of the blanket. There was no room for Lily, she had no choice but to perch gingerly on the fringes. One more point was lost!

Although socially awkward, Tommy turned out to be good company. Not wanting to judge him too harshly, Lily decided to give him another chance. They planned to meet on his turf next time. To be honest, she didn’t know what to expect that day as she travelled down to meet him. They would be meeting at the train station and walking down to a park to spend the day. It was a mild afternoon, and the sun was out. She arrived in good time and thankfully, Tommy was waiting for her. She observed that he wasn’t holding anything and she wondered what the plan was. Maybe he had prepared a surprise for her at the park. Maybe there was a comfortable sitting area or a coffee shop. She fell in line walking beside him as they made their way.

They got to the park and there was no sitting area, no café, no blanket to sit on, no nothing. They found an old bench and sat down beside an old lady with a dog. Tommy apologised for not remembering to bring anything. Maybe Lily could help him get more organised he said. In her head she thought, “no thanks, I’m not your mother.” As they were discussing, he asked her to teach him a little Hausa (her language). She taught him some basic words for greeting. After this, he asked her for some swear words like M…F…., B…S…., F…Y…. Lily was quite offended by this as it didn’t form part of her vocabulary. She explained that Hausa didn’t have any swear words. There were insultive words which would usually be targeted at one’s parents. For example “uban ka” which literally translates to “your father”. Or “uwa ka” which means “your mother”, “shege” which means, when translated politely, “someone that doesn’t have a father, born out of wedlock.”

The next day, Tommy sent her a text and the opening line was “buro ubanka” with three laughing emojis. Lily was dumbstruck at his nerve in sending her such a rude message. She wondered how the LOL emojis fitted into the insult. She decided not to respond and just went quiet. After about three days texting, he called her and apologised profusely for his poor taste. Lily told him off and reminded him that her father had passed on. Why would he insult her dad and think it was funny? She eventually accepted his apology but told him it was over. She wouldn’t be able to see him anymore as he was not a Christian. It was his turn to be shocked. “… but why Lily?” he pleaded. “You are not vegan and yet I’m willing to give you a chance!!” That was the end of Solomon Grundy (google him).

Love On Paper

Love Online