Love Online
In my growing days, there was no Online dating. It was the traditional boy meets girl love story, where the girls had to wait patiently for the boys to make “the first move”. The girl was meant to stay cool and often play hard to get. A lot of times you would already suspect which boy was interested in you. I don’t remember if we ever used the word “crush”. (Please, leave a comment below). Heaven forbid that you, as a young girl would openly approach a guy for a relationship. It was almost a taboo. The best you could do was talk about your crushes with your best friends. They would of course, all be sworn to secrecy.
There were no mobile phones, no emails, no Facebook, no snapchat, no twitter and no photographic evidence. All we had was the pen and paper. Girls would receive “love letters” from boys and it always made interesting reading. If a girl didn’t like you, she would send you a “Dear John letter”, explaining why she was rejecting you. We were never discreet with such things. We would always share our letters with friends, even the “Dear John” ones.
Back then, at least the girls were girls, and the boys were boys. There was no confusion about people’s pronouns. Everyone identified as themselves. Pronouns were simply words you learnt in your English class; I, You, he, she, it, we, you, they. Today, it’s a different kettle of fish. You have to be very careful not to offend “them” (no pun intended!). As a practicing Christian, I am full of compassion as I try to understand what might have happened to give a person this new identity. Why would they choose to deny their singularity and claim a plurality.
In the HR world today, some recruitment forms would ask the applicants what their pronouns are. If they identify with “they/them”, then you would have to treat them as “they/them”. I recently watched a video clip where some new parents had chosen to call their baby, a “they-by”. Their rationale was that since the baby had not yet identified what sex they wanted, no one should force any gender on them.
It doesn’t stop there. On June the 22nd 2023, a 13-year-old girl in Rye College Essex was called “despicable” by her teacher for not accepting her classmate’s identity of a cat. This was during a Life Education class where they were told they could be whatever they wanted to be and identify as whatever they felt like. According to the teacher, gender was not related to any body parts people were born with, but rather, with what they identified as. There have been several stories of students identifying as horses, dinosaurs, and even as the moon. Some of them had chosen to answer the teachers’ questions with animal noises rather than with words. It has become a difficult terrain to operate in.
It was interesting catching up with 30-year-old Lily and hearing her harrowing online dating experience. She had recently relocated to Europe in pursuit of greener pastures and was struggling with loneliness. During the COVID 19 isolation, she felt she had nothing to lose by trying Online dating. This was especially so, because the Black male population in her city was almost non-existent. Not having a clue about it, she asked Google for help.
Tinder and Bumble were the most popular ones. Lily wasn’t sure about joining the most popular ones. She had heard that most people on those sites were only interested in “hook ups”. I had to stop her here to ask what she meant by that. I thought hooking up was the same as meeting up. I couldn’t have been further from the truth. A “hook up” was almost like prostituting, but without the payment.
In a bid to help, Lily’s feminist friend suggested that she chose Bumble, a dating site which offered more control and protection for ladies. The way it worked was that when an onlooker saw someone they liked, they could indicate their interest but could not chat. The account holder would need to give them permission to engage. It gave women (the account holders) all the powers on whether to start a relationship or not. Lily wasn’t sure she liked the concept because it made her feel like she was the one “toasting” the guy (toasting=openly making passes). She was a proper “old school” girl and believed in chivalry. The guy should always pay the price. Anyway, she decided to give it a try.
On the day she signed up, Lily received about 150 indications (called swipes). She wasn’t brave enough to give anyone access to chat with her yet. Being the nerd that she was, she invested all her spare time methodically researching them first. She searched google, Linked In, You Tube, Facebook etc, short of asking for a police report. It turned out to be hard work, and it didn’t seem natural to her, to have 150 men seeking her attention all at once.
She observed that one of the people that swiped worked in the same place as she did. He was very keen to get her to his house for sandwiches. He didn’t seem prepared to invest any time in getting to know her first. She asked him why he wasn’t afraid of having a total stranger in his house. Was he even sure she was real and not a catfish? She then suggested that they met in their local park on a Saturday afternoon. That day, she arranged with her friends to walk behind her at a distance because he just didn’t feel right. She arrived for the rendezvous and nervously waited for her first online date. As she sat scanning the park for him, she heard a ping on her phone. It was a message from lover boy saying he couldn’t make it. His cousin hadjust got a new job, and the family was having a celebration that day. Could they please reschedule to the next weekend. Where will that be? Yes, at his house. Lily graciously declined his hospitality and deleted the app.
She then tried another app called Okay Cupid. This time around, she felt she was more streetwise and better equipped to face the online world. She opted to become a paid-up member which allowed her to set some boundaries. Only other paid-up members would be able to access her profile. Her logic was that anyone willing to put their money where their mouth was, would be a serious person. In her profile, she indicated that she was “female, a Christian, heterosexual, and Interested in a relationship with an African man” (big mistake). In no time at all, she realised that most of the men reaching out either couldn’t read or couldn’t be bothered to read anything on her profile. She had strategically worded her profile so it could be a ”barrier to entry.” It was meant to put off anyone who wasn’t serious. It suddenly became obvious that her strategy wasn’t working when an Italian man contacted her. He had his wife added to the account and claimed that they were a happily married couple. His wife however was not straight and missed being with women. She had seen Lilys photo and wondered if they could have a threesome since they would soon be on holiday. Lily could travel over and meet them. The only response Lily gave was “can you read? Did you see my profile?” Once again, it was time to move on. She deleted the app.
Another popular app was Craigs List. It also turned out to be the most problematic. My heart jumped as I heard Craigs List. I remembered one horror story on CSI where a poor English girl was murdered by her Craigs List online date in Australia. I didn’t say a word to Lily but just listened in apprehension. At least, she had survived to tell me her story. A lot of weirdos had shown up wanting to meet her. They were not interested in actually knowing her but rather in a quick “hook up”. A lot of them had a sense of entitlement and wanted private dates with her in their houses. She got various invitations for home cooked dinners which she didn’t honour. She eventually just deleted that app.
The next site that was recommended was Tinder. It turned out to be very similar to Craigs List. There were no restrictions, and everyone could chat with everyone. Lily wasn’t used to that type of brash behaviour and so, Tinder suffered the same fate as Craigs List, Bumble and Okay Cupid.
One recurring headache Lily encountered during her online saga was the way Caucasian men treated her like an exotic accessory. There was so much emphasis on her dark skin, her beautiful silky hair and the wonderful taste of chocolate. In the end, it was too much hard work trying to find love online. She was also bombarded by requests from African men, most of which turned out to be Nigerian. They were all so eloquent and very generous with their compliments. It was usually “Hey beautiful, “I love your hair”, “Hi gorgeous”, chit chat chit chat, until they would finally ask, “so where are you from?”. Her proud response was always, “Nigeria”. Immediately she says that, the conversation would stop. It seemed none of them ever suspected she could be from Nigeria. They sort of felt she was either from Surinam (google it) or some other non-African country. Their disappointment would almost instantly turn into anger because they felt they had wasted their precious time. She was meant to be their passport to a new life.
One incident that stood out was an encounter with a particular man. He was such a strong pursuer and had a few impressive pictures by some luxury cars and a yacht. Although he claimed he was a Dutch national, Lily somehow felt his flamboyant behaviour was so Nigerian! He was extremely confident, chatty and also caring. One day he asked her what she was doing in that country? She took time to explain her project and how she planned on going back to benefit her country when she was done. “What country is that?” He asked. “Oh, I’m from Nigeria”, she said. “what about you, what do you do”? There was a long awkward silence and then a one line reply, “I work”.
Lily was surprised at the brusqueness of his voice. “Oh wow, what do you do for work?” She asked. The next thing she got was an earful and a telling off,
“What do you mean by what do I do for work? Do you think this is LinkedIn or an interview? This is a dating app. Why are you trying to interrogate me about my job? Let me tell you, I’m a hard-working Igbo man, an indigene of Abia State. Don’t think I am going to give you any money. That’s my problem with you Nigerian girls, you always demand for money”.
Lily was dumbstruck, she could not believe what she was hearing. It was the classic Jekyll and Hyde scenario. He was turning the table around and accusing her of something that was completely untrue. After ranting and raving, he immediately “unmatched her” (blocked her off) and left her still reeling in shock. It took her a few minutes to gather herself together by which time he was already long gone. She didn’t get a chance to “give it back to him” as she lamented to me. For over one week, Lily remained upset, thinking of all the things she could have said to him. I don’t think she has quite forgiven him yet.
Her Online dating days were soon over. She just threw in the towel and decided that it probably was not for her. She had given it her best shot and gained nothing but insults and time wasters. A few months went by and one day, a male friend asked her if she was dating. She burst out laughing as the flood gates reopened. She shared her experience with him and told him how fed up she was of being “objectified”. She just couldn’t cope with all the drama and intrigue of being Nigerian online. Eventually, she agreed to give it one more try after about two years .
Watch out for Part 2.
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