Meet the In-Laws
Moving in with my in-laws was a no brainer as remaining in Ajamogha was no longer an option. The riots kept raging within the city centre with several gory stories of people being killed for being in the “wrong” place and from the “wrong” tribe. It was scary living in Warri in May 1999.
My in-laws had a large beautiful house with the main building housing the wives and the children. We got a self-contained apartment at the back, part of the boys’ quarters. It used to be Kev’s room as a young man. I set up house as best as I could. It was a large room with an adjoining toilet and shower. The first thing to be set up was the TV, video and game. We wanted something to keep the children occupied and out of everyone’s way. It felt very awkward staying there as I had fallen out with my three sisters-in-law. I can’t remember the details of what happened but at the time, it was pretty serious, and I felt very out of place. The last place I wanted to be was in the same house daily with them as I was feeling very bad. I naturally just wanted to keep to myself and have a pity party, which was exactly what I did. I learnt how to play a video game called Mario and immediately got addicted to it. Every evening, I’d sit alone in my room playing Mario and perfecting my game. After a few days, I realised I was being antisocial and needed to make an effort to interact with my family.
My biggest problem was that I was shy and felt like a fish out of water. People from the Niger-Delta are naturally exuberant and expressive, but I was at the other end of the spectrum. I was quite reserved and you had to pull everything out of me. Was I stupid? No! I always had my opinions but would never express them, preferring to listen and muse over things. My husband once complained that I was like an onion, having to be peeled layer by layer. I could sense his frustrations.
I had my two nieces staying with me at the time. They were in the main house with the family and could help with the house chores. There was daily cooking, cleaning and shopping to be done. I was very preoccupied with taking care of the three children, aged 4+, 3 and 7 months old. I desperately wanted to behave like the ideal “African wife”, being hands-on in the kitchen and running of the family house. Unfortunately, I just didn’t have the energy levels to keep up. By the end of the day, I would be completely knackered and useless. An ideal day ran like this; I would wake up at about 5.30am, walk to the main house and knock on the window to the girl’s room. The aim was to wake one of my sisters in law to open the front door for me; it was one of the hardest things I had to do. First of all, no one wants to be woken up everyday by 5.30am to open the door. I felt their pain but what were my options? I needed hot water to bath the three children to begin the day. I would gently tap on the window, not wanting to make too much noise but yet, needing to wake them up. This would take a few minutes and eventually I would hear someone waking up and grumbling, “oh Hennang, you too disturb person” (meaning: Hennang, you are really tiresome). I would feel terrible for them as I put myself in their shoes. To be honest, I’d rather be in bed too sleeping and having my nieces get the children ready for school.
The bible says, “money is the answer for everything”. If only I could afford a kettle or a boiling ring to boil my own bathing water. Alas, I didn’t have the money to answer all the things I needed. I especially wanted more sleep because I was still breastfeeding my last baby. When eventually the front door was opened, I would go to the kitchen, fill the gigantic kettle and boil it on the gas cooker. I would be making their breakfast as I patiently waited for it to boil.
One by one, I would bath the three children, brush their teeth and dress them up. Their uniforms would have been ironed the day before to make things easier for myself. It was usually bedlam as I wasn’t the most organised of people. I didn’t have any storage space and so was living out of our suitcases and makeshift boxes. I never knew where anything was and it drove me crazy. I had carrier bags for the socks, for the vests and the under pants. I tried to have one box for the boys’ clothes and one for the girl. Shoes were all in one carton, adults, boys and girl. After the bath routine, I would grab my seven month-old baby and head for the main house with the boys in tow. By this time, I would be on a timer, trying to beat the early morning traffic to make it in time for school by 7.30am. Breakfast would usually be bread and whatever I could get to go with it. It would be a mad dash to load them into the car and race off to Shell, Edjeba Estate School. Sometimes the breakfast dishes would be left on the table in my hurry not to be late. In hindsight, this would have been very upsetting to the household, waking up in the morning to a messy dinning table. I can now appreciate why I would return in the afternoon and find the table still waiting to be cleared. In that season, I was very much overwhelmed with life and was barely coping. I had never worked so hard in all my life, 31 years but felt 100.
Most days, I would drop off the children in school and would have to hang around the estate until they closed. I couldn’t afford “wasting” fuel by going home only to return by 12.30pm. My preferred hangout would be Yinka’s house which was walking distance from the school. I would park the car and spend the morning there with my baby. Yinka would leave and go to work, trusting me in her house. God really kept some angels along the way for me. That favour was priceless, literally. I would get home, sometimes I’d have to clear the table first and then serve lunch to the children. One pressure that had been taken off me was the provision of daily meals. We were part of the family and so all ate together. It was not easy running the kitchen and I doffed my hat to my sisters. One day, I got put on the rota to run the kitchen for a month or week (I cant remember). I smiled courageously when I was told. I couldn’t wrap my head around how I would be able to run the kitchen for that long. This included going to the market and doing all the preparation before cooking. I can’t remember if I also had to wash up after myself, I think I did. It was the longest one week/month but I made it. The only complaint I had was that my portions were too small but food was great.
Church was also another added pressure. As Church Workers (volunteers), it was compulsory to be at every service. We were not allowed to be late nor absent. Church days were every Sunday morning (8am – 2pm), Tuesdays (5-9pm), Wednesday house fellowships, Thursday Bible Study (5-9pm), Friday night vigils once a month, and Monday miracle service (Scent of Water) once a month. Between these few programmes, I was kept pretty busy and knackered with three babies. I had to take my children to all these meetings, and they were not aways happy campers. They sometimes got tired and wanted to sleep - no such luxury. It must have been hard on the children too; I never saw it as I was running on auto pilot. Sometimes homework had to be done in Church. I think I had more zeal than sense then.
One afternoon, I picked up the children from school and as usual, my tank was reading empty with the warning lights on. Unfortunately, the car stalled and stopped. What I had feared most had befallen me. I parked the car by the side of the road and wondered what to do. Gingerly, I opened the door and got out of the car to stand outside. I didn’t have any money to take a taxi or bus home. I also didn’t have any money to buy some fuel. All I could do was pray and ask God to send me help. We didn’t have long to wait as Bros Pee (Patrick), my husband’s friend came passing by. He quickly stopped, took a look at us and understood what the problem was. He asked for the car keys and asked us to transfer into his car. He gave his driver my car keys and took us home himself. My car was later delivered to me with a full tank that evening. God always sent an angel to rescue to me.
A few times, I’d pick up the children from school in the afternoon only to arrive home and find the gates padlocked. The first time it happened, my heart sank and I was so angry with everyone. What do they want me to do with three hungry and sweaty children? There were no cell phones to find out where the nearest family member was, so as to collect the key. After sitting outside the big black gate for a while, I’d decide to drive to Moji’s. As soon as she’d see us, she’d give instructions to her house help Alaba, “put yam on fire” (meaning; please boil some yams). Her home was always a refuge and she never asked questions. Once when I didn’t meet Moji at home, I had to go to Tetsomas’ house. She was equally as gracious and offered us lunch. The toughest days would be when I would have to still go to Church with the children. So many times, I’d be sobbing on the steering wheel and crying to God to deliver me. The children would be asleep in the car and I would be sobbing in desperation not knowing where to turn to. I never told my husband how I felt as I wanted to spare him the worry and the pain. One day, I made a deal with God, I said, the Bible says “when a man’s ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.” I told God, my ways will be perfect before you and you will have to make all my enemies to be at peace with me (my greatest enemy was poverty). Other enemies included laundry, ironing, toiletries, joblessness, husband away in school etc.
God was so merciful and indeed started sending help to deal with my enemies. I remember visiting a friend of mine called Ufuoma. I told her I had so much laundry that I didn’t know where to begin. I had already soaked them but just didn’t have the energy to face the laundry on a weekday. She offered to do the laundry and asked me to bring all the buckets. I got home and pushed some more clothes into the bucket and took them to her. True to her word, she washed everything, dried them and folded them neatly. Those acts of kindness were priceless, from people that were willing to share from the little they had. I also remember another angel called Peju in Church. One day, I openly confessed that I was struggling with my laundry and she collected it and put everything in her washing machine. She also took us to her house for the weekend. It felt like being in heaven. Her house was beautiful and tastefully furnished. It was in an estate where my husband and I had wanted to live in but things didn’t quite work out (God had other plans). Her husband was away for the weekend, and we became the ladies of the manor. We sat up late into the night chatting and snacking. It was an unexpected gift from the Lord as far as I was concerned. I missed having my own home. I missed being able to move from room to room.
God also provided a job for me through Moji. An expatriate family in Shell wanted a French teacher for their son Jimmy. She recommended me and I was offered the job. It was a dream come true because I only worked two days a week, an hour each day. I was paid N10,000 a month which was a hefty pay cheque back then. Once again, it felt like I was in heaven, able to do a little shopping for my angels. I could buy our toiletries and their food without stress. I could also fuel my car.
At home, I concentrated my effort on taking care of my mother-in-law. She had been away to the UK for a few months and had recently returned. One morning, I went into her toom and saw a heap of laundry on the floor. Without being asked, I collected it and took it to the taps outside for washing. I had made up my mind that no matter how hard things might be for me, I would take care of my mother-in-law as best as I could. Whenever I entered her apartment, I would clean her kitchen, wash the dishes, sweep her bedroom and make her bed. She wasn’t too impressed with my cooking skills, so I got let off in that area. I obviously didn’t complain.
Life was certainly not easy, but we plodded on, doing what had to be done. My husband was counting down the months and would soon be graduating from school. I couldn’t wait for him to start working again! We discussed and decided that I should go to Abuja and meet with the PDP Chairman, Mr Gemade who used to work for my dad and Mr Rilwanu Lukman, the Nigerian Petroleum Minister who had been my dad’s friend. I was feeling very important doing a bit of name dropping and we felt sure one of them would be able to help me get a job. PDP was the party in power and all I needed was a note to the Delta State Governor. Getting to Abuja was going to be a problem as I didn’t even have the fare to make the trip. One of the brothers in Church, Ebere Orji, was happy to support our effort. He gave me N2000 which would have covered my trip, to and fro and left some change. I was so excited to be going to Abuja without the children for a few days. As I was reading the bible that week, a verse jumped out at me which I had never seen before, it said something like “that which is highly esteemed with man is an abomination with God.” Immediately I had that sinking feeling in my stomach that it was speaking directly to me. It felt like God was not happy with my decision to seek help from man rather than from him. I pretended not to understand and hurriedly prayed for God’s blessings on my trip. Before undertaking the trip, I needed to wean my daughter. I tried doing it on my own but it was impossible. She would keep me awake all night screaming in hunger but refusing to eat anything else. All she wanted was to suckle. In the end, I had to drop her off with Yinka for two nights for us to be able to wean her off. Poor Yinka, I will forever be thankful to her for her love and support during my “school days”.
It was hard leaving my little girl the next day to travel to Abuja. My Kev dropped me off at the Greener Line Taxi Park and we took off. I had planned to stay with my childhood friend, Aisha Abdullahi. It had been years since I last saw her and can’t remember how we were able to make all the plans as there were no phones. Thankfully, I arrived Abuja in one piece.
It was Saturday the 26th of August 2000 and just my luck, it coincided with the visit of the American president to Nigeria, Bill Clinton. Everything was grounded in Abuja and I couldn’t see Mr Lukman nor Mr Gemade. Eventually, Mr Gemade was able to see me but was not excited about sending me to the governor of Delta State who had disappointed him a few times. I spent two weeks in total in Abuja trying to get help from my big shots. The journey was a total waste of time and money. I should have understood what the Lord was trying to tell me and saved myself all the stress. Nothing came out of it and I sadly but excitedly went back to Warri to be reunited with four of the most important people in my life. As we travelled back, we had two very near misses and were lucky to have survived.
My life in a furnace continued and I repeatedly questioned myself. I felt there must have been something I was doing wrong to keep me in perpetual hardship. I would imagine some sins I was guilty of and ask God to forgive me and have mercy on me. A lot of times I felt it was because I wasn’t praying enough or reading my Bible enough. Realistically, there was no way I would have been able to do all those things as it was a struggle just getting through the day with three little toddlers. I remember when my friend Ngozi Kazie visited and I was feeling quite ashamed at how my house was looking, I started explaining (without being asked) that I had been disobedient to God and that was why life was so difficult. In my estimation, God was trying to teach me a lesson. It took time for me to understand what was going on with my life. God was not trying to punish me for “my sins”, He was only making me into what He wanted me to be. He needed me to know Him in different dimensions, especially in my times of desperation. There were still so many lessons to be learnt.
In the meantime, it was great to be back home with my Kev and my babies.
TO BE CONTINUED:
Thank you everyone for following my story. Please leave a comment and share anything similar you have been through too. Watch out for the next part N E X T W E E K :)