Light in the Closet

Dominic Jergens had always felt he was different. There were just too many things wrong with him. To start with, he had never felt comfortable playing with the other boys. He hated their horse playing and roughhousing, much preferring the girls. As a musically inclined child, he fitted right in with them, singing and clapping along. From an early age, he could hear a song on the radio and play it on the piano. It came so easily to him that he thought everyone else could do the same. Dom was also a sensitive child who cried very easily. His effeminacy drew a lot of negative attention to him. The playground was ever so cruel. He got called a few nasty names like “fag, queer, gay” etc. Half the time, he didn’t quite understand what all those words meant. The bullying intensified when his school mates realised he was the Church pianist.

Something tragic happened one evening that doubly confirmed to him that there was something wrong with him. It was a warm Saturday evening and the family was at a public event. Dominic needed to wee very badly and had to rush into the toilet. As he was about to exit the room, an adult man exposed his private parts to him. Dom froze, it was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen. He ran out of the toilet screaming and heading for the comfort of his mother.  So many thoughts were running through his head. “What is wrong with me? Why did that man do that? There must be something terribly wrong with me!” Rather than tell his parents what had happened, he chose to remain silent. Unfortunately, the damage had been done and he would always blame himself.

Another bone of contention in his life was the affirmation he needed from his father. The one thing he wanted to hear from him were the words “I love you son”, but it never came. The only time he saw his father excited was when he excelled in sports. Dad would go wild, jumping up and down and shouting Dom’s name. He had finally found the key to unlocking his dads love, it was performance. This marked the beginning of his life as a perfectionist, a win/win for him.

One Saturday afternoon, Dom and his friends were playing hide and seek in Church. School was out, house chores had been done and he was as free as a bird. As he crouched under the pew, he overheard a conversation that would forever change his life. It was the Church Pastor and some elders. They were talking about the evil of homosexuality and how disgusted they were about it. The more they spoke, the more he froze under the pew. He slowly realised that they were discussing his reality. If they hated homosexuals and God hated homosexuals, then it meant that they hated him and God hated him too. He reckoned that these were the men “closest to God” and who knew God the most. That day, Dom made up his mind not to ever let anyone know what he was struggling with. As long as he kept it a secret, he would be fine.

Dominic Jergens graduated from High School as a valedictorian. All his hard work had paid off. He got admission to study music in a Christian College in Oklahoma. The only problem was that although he was a musical genius, he still couldn’t read music. There was also a requirement that all music students be part of a choral group. On the day of his audition, the tutor asked, “Mr Jergens, please would you take this choral octave over to the third page and in the second squadron; and would you read the alto line in your register”. Dom stared back blankly and calmly replied in all honesty, “I don’t even know what you just said.” That was the end of his audition.  

While in College, Dom was introduced to contemporary Christian Music. He got to learn about Keith Greene and Annie Herring of 2nd Chapter of Acts. This lady had done drugs, got pregnant twice out of wedlock and was an unmarried mother. She was definitely in Dom’s league of sins, he surmised. Annie was however singing songs about God’s love and forgiveness. She was talking about being loved and her shame taken away by God. Was this possible? Could God really love a sinner? One as filthy as he was? He had been living a conflicted life since getting into college. He had an excellent public life but a shameful private one. In public, he performed beautifully doing everything to perfection. As long as he didn’t call any undue attention to himself, no one would suspect a thing,. His private life was in a sorry state. He felt defeated, worthless and so decided to keep everyone at arm’s length.

One hot afternoon on his way to class, he heard someone shouting his name. It was Mr Pullman, a very respected faculty member. His son was also a classmate of Dom. It was a pleasant surprise as the two had never really been friendly. “How are you Dom? How are you getting on with your studies? Everything alright?” Dom was elated to be the centre of attention. Mr Pullman took a genuine interest in Dom, meeting once a week either for a coffee or just to chat. It was the beginning of a friendship, with the older man taking him under his wings. For the first time, he felt loved and appreciated. It began to feel like the sun could shine again. After a few weeks, Dom felt it was time to confide in his friend.

He had made up his mind and had rehearsed many times. “Mr Pullman, there’s something I need to tell you. It’s a secret I’ve been carrying all my life and I’m scared to death to tell anyone”. Mr Pullman looked at him with concern and replied, “There is nothing you could ever say or do that could stop me from loving you Dom”. It was so reassuring to hear him and Dom started speaking. “All my life I have struggled with homosexuality”. As soon as those words were out of his mouth he felt like the weight of the whole world had been lifted from off his shoulders.  He was suddenly filled with hope and gratitude at having someone to confide in. Mr Pullmans’ reaction was so unexpected and unpredictable. It was something Dom had never envisaged becuase he made a sexual pass at him.

After this episode, Dom sank into a deep depression. He felt humiliated, dirty, betrayed, used and abused. He decided there was no need to live any longer. It was time to end it all. That night, he switched on the gas and let it flood his house. He laid quietly on his bed waiting to die. Suddenly he heard a still small voice asking him if he was ready to see his Creator? If he had made his peace? Dom got up and turned off the gas flow. He didn’t even have the guts to take his own life. There was absolutely no hope for him. He was however finally ready to accept who he was. He got himself a boy friend and set about enjoying his new found freedom. Maybe he could finally express what he had been born to be. Maybe he could finally find some peace. Dom jumped into this new life with both feet. It didn’t take long for him to realise that things weren’t working out the way he had hoped. He was still miserable, empty and unfulfilled. His new relationships were turning out to be a nightmare. Something was definitely missing. As a last resort, he decided to go to a seminary. If God hadn’t been able to find him in a Christian Musical College, maybe he might be found in a seminary. One couldn’t be worse than the other, so he thought!

Three days before departure to the seminary, Michael called him. He was an old acquaintance from college. “Hi Dom, the Lord has been talking about you to me lately.” “Huh”, scoffed Dom. “What has He been saying? He certainly doesn’t talk to me about me!” It turned out that Mike had repeatedly dreamt that Dom had become a huge musical phenomenon, writing, and producing amazing music that the whole world was singing. Coincidentally his mum had also had identical dreams. He invited Dom to move in with them.

Life in his new home was satisfying. He had a job as a bus driver in a school. He did the morning and evening school runs leaving his afternoons free. This turned out to be the most challenging hours of the day for him because he was bombarded by homosexual thoughts. Michaels stable influence was pulling him in one direction while his idle mind was pulling him in another. Out of the blue one night, Mike said to him “I know what you’ve been struggling with”. Dominic froze as he instantly remembered his experience with Mr Pullman. “No you don’t” he replied as he bolted out of the door. He couldn’t believe it was happening again. He ran and ran and ran until he was completely exhausted. Looking up at the night sky he spoke, “If you are real Lord, I need you to speak to me”.  As he looked at the sky, something bizarre seemed to happen. It was a moonlit night with clouds moving and shapes forming. To Dom, It looked like he was seeing an old bearded man carrying a lamb. It looked so real and like a direct answer to his painful prayer of a few minutes ago. This experience was such a great comfort to Dominic as he turned around and went back home.

Michael was waiting for him when he got back. “I don’t know how to help you but I know Someone who can, His name is Jesus.” Dom gave a sarcastic laugh, “I’ve heard that all my life, Jesus has never done anything for me.” Michael was not put off by his response. He just took time to reassure him. “Lets just walk together and trust God to set you free. When you fall, I will not kick you, I will not tell you I told you so. If you’ll let me, I will pick you up and be a shoulder for you to cry on. I will be here for you.” After the last betrayal from Mr Pullman, Dom didn’t know what to make of it.  Unbeknownst to both of them, something amazing was about to happen.

There was a musical fiesta scheduled to take place in a few weeks. The band, 2nd Chapter of Acts was going to be the major group. Dom had always had a special connection with Annie Herring after hearing the story of her life. He usually joked that they were in the same league as sinners. Come the day of the programme, Dom was excited and ready to tape some music with his cassette recorder.  Once again, Annie Herring was front and centre on the day. As she was singing, she suddenly stopped and started speaking “There is someone here who is going through something they never imagined they would go through. The person has had some devastating experiences and is holding some deep secrets in his heart. God says He sees those things and loves you anyway”. Dom was transfixed. He instantly felt she was talking about him. That day, he was lead to pray and to hand over all his struggles by faith to Jesus. There were tears, but they were tears of joy. He left that meeting a born again Christian and set free from his struggles. He went on to get married to a woman within two years and they have been blessed with nine children. Dom says one of his most frequently asked questions was “were you instantly set free or was it a process?” His answer was, “both.” Once he decided to commit his life to Jesus, something within him changed. His tastes and passions changed. It was an inner work that found expression on the outside. No one could deny the new person he had become.

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